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June 28th, 2005

08:18 pm - I have an itch....
im way way excited....two weeks and i will be in nyc for an entire week!! i get to wake up to nothing but buildings and noisy, crowded streets and shop and go everywhere!!! sooo excited....im saving my money so that i can shop there and get some nice clothes and i wanna go to the met and central park and see a play...hopefully either les mis or the phantom and look for my apartment on the upper east side overlooking the park and go out and have way too much fun! i cant wait for two years from now....

so ive been thinking and i really want to go study abroad in london next spring semester and then jackie can come and visit me at the end and we can go backpacking around europe and i think it would be awesome and im really excited about the idea of it and i havent been this excited about something like this, even med school, in a long time..plus im also kind of wondering about the whole med school thing because im not really sure if its something that i wanted just because i wanted it for so long that it was just there and i didnt want to change or if it is something that i really do want i think that the only thing right now that i absolutely know that i do want is to live in nyc no matter what i end up doing but i think i have quite the decision to make because either way ill be in nyc and no matter what i choose i will make a decent living its just a matter of which one i will be happier doing i mean med school means virtually no life for the rest of my life while psych means i will have a life and more free time but i just dont know yet but honestly im kind of scared of changing from med school cause i feel like so many people are thinking that im going to be a doctor that if i dont become one then somehow i am letting them down or something like that

it would be really nice if derek jeter would just propose now so that i wouldnt have to make any decision and i can just live in nyc for the rest of my life and do nothing with my life.......

so i love my job at People Inc. I never really do anything at work because the girls are pretty self sufficient i mean theres the occasional "i shit myself and you have to clean me up" but i can deal with that somehow and even giving showers and stuff doesnt really bother me. the girls are awesome i love them and they're fun and cool to be around plus the staff gets their own food so i never have to make a lunch or anything like that i feel like im getting paid to do nothing its wunderful

i feel as though katie needs to come up here for at least a long weekend cause i miss her and i miss being stupid/crazy with her and having people look at us like we're weird and if she doesnt come up here im not gonna see her until september and thats too far away and plus that wont be for very long cause im going to be in school and what not so she needs to high tail her ass on up here NOW!!!
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: innocent ~olp

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June 27th, 2005

12:09 am - todays the reason for living
have you ever needed to say something to someone but you cant because you're afraid of how things might turn out but its getting to the point where if you dont say something your entire relationship with that person is probably going to be ruined because you're going to start alienating yourself from that person just so that you dont have to feel a certain way anymore even though you still feel that certain way no matter what because you just feel like things are changing and things are ending and its like theres nothing you can do to stop it but deep down you know that you can stop it you're just too scared of how things are going to turn out because you're kind of lonely as it is and so a change might not be a very good thing at the moment yeah thats how i feel at the moment and im thinking that i dont want to feel that way anymore

but honestly i just dont really know what happened and i feel like this change was kind of instant and i feel like it cant change because i dont know what im going to do if i dont have it because its like a support system and its my own fault that its that way because i choose not to do certain things but i dunnno and im not usually very shy about keeping my feelings in but i cant seem to get them out right now and it just sucks

i keep feeling like my life is always at a stand still everyday im surrounded by people who have had so many awesome experiences and i havent had any or at least thats what i feel like and i really want to go study abroad next spring semester but theres the whole applying to med school thing which is so important but at the moment im feeling like this study abroad thing might be more important just because i have this need to explore and feel free and experience something and i will regret not doing that so much more than med school because med school will be what kept me back especialy because once med school hits experiencing life will be out of the picture or at least the way i want to experience it and just thinking about it makes me really excited i can live in london and go backpacking through europe and it would be awesome and i just want to go it really badly

lately i feel like i need a break from everyone too just a small break just to get my shit together or something like that but i dunno

too much thinking
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: olp

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May 30th, 2005

06:33 pm - that felt good...
woah that kinda felt good to vent a little huh?? so i dont think we're going to be spending much time in nyc which really sucks cause i want to spend FOREVER there and plus i dont get to go in june so i really wanted to stay a little longer :(

i started my new job, my psych class, and my mentor thing all in the same week and its exhausting because i go to work and then to class or then to go see alyssa and i dont get home until like 10 oclock at night and hten i have to wake up at 7 in the morning and its tiring....but the new job is going well so far we already get a bonus and we've only been working for a week im kind of excited about the job though because it sounds like it will be fun i mena i know its going to be a lot of hard work because we are taking care of people but we also get to take them places so it should be fun and we even get to take them to strip clubs yay!! my class is going well i dont think it is going to be so difficult which is good cause evreything else has been difficult...i think alyssa and i are going to get along really well we're very different but i think that will be a good thing for both of us so im excited about it but i just wish i had more time cause it seems like things are going crazy right now but im having fun i guess

so i talked to my pre-med advisor and she told me that i dont have a very good chance of getting into med school because of my grades and that even volunteering a lot isnt really going to help that much because they mostly look at the science gpa...everything else is fine but thats not so good and it just sucks because im so disappointed in myself because i worked my ass off this semester so i dont understand how i didnt do very well and it turns out they messed up my gpa so its not a 3.5 for this semester but i have never been the type to try my best and not succeed i mean i have never had to really try my best and all of a sudden i didnt do well enough to achieve what i have wanted my whole life and it just really sucks and thats where a lot of anger is coming from and i know everyone is going to say "you'll get into med school" and role their eyes at me when i say this but its not something im pulling out of my ass and its actually true im not just setting myself up for disappointment it just really sucks because i was so sure that i was going to do well this semester and i was so sure that i was doing well in my classes i mean better then well better than "b's" and it ends up that physics of all classes is my highest grade there is something wrong with that i just kinda feel like a failure but at the same time i have to admit that it almost brings a weight off my shoulders because now there isnt so much pressure and i feel like im a little more free which makes me wonder how badly i really really wanted it but i still feel like such a failure and i just dont understand what went wrong because i worked my ass off this semester and last and i dunno but at least i have psych which i will hopefully like right? yep

see im being positive!! but im still not completley going to give up because its still there and i suppose im just really going to have to work my ass off now right???? right!!

i am really regretting not getting these pointy toed boots that i almost got over the winter cause i want some!!

ne who i have a new goal in mind for this summer lets hope it works..im going to be positive!!!
Current Mood: awaketrying to be positive
Current Music: against all odds ~phil

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04:38 pm - what the f***!?!?!?!?!?!?
i feel as though for my entire life i have put too much effort into friendship and none of my effort is returned at all by anyone and it makes me feel like shit and it makes me feel like im always intruding on everyones life and im sick of being the one that always has to call people and set things up but i always do because then i just feel like everyone will just forget about me and ill never talk to anyone ever again and so i do and it makes me feel like shit and then even when i ask people to do something and then they say we will and then they go and do the same thing with someone else it just pisses me off and makes me feel pretty damn worthless and then somehow i cant say what im feeling because i feel like a retard and im usually pretty good at expressing myself i just feel like no one wants to spend time with me and i dunno does that make any sense?

there is something seriously wrong with me right now because im just tired of life and tired with the way my life ALWAYS seems to be going and last nite when i couldnt sleep i just sat there thinking about how i always think that things will get better and i wont be the same anymore and i will never feel crappy like this and it never works im pretty much always feeling like this especially lately i mean i think the only time i feel really accepted/wanted is on friday nights and thats when ihave the most fun

i mean am i not a fun person? because everyone seems to have fun with their other friends and does all kinds of things with their other friends but then when it comes to me all they want to do is watch movies and pretty much do nothing which is fine but then when i want to do something it never happens so there must be something wrong with me or something

and furthermore why do people feel the need to butt into a situation that didnt need butting into in the first place i mean if it needed to be butted into then i would do something about it and i realize that people are only trying to protect me but im not 10 i can fend for myself and if i need help i would much rather ask for it then for someone to do it for me when i dont need it and everyone just assumes that some things are what i want or what i need and they never actually think about asking me

this just sucks i thought that life would be a little happier...cause i was happy before...when jackie and kerry got home

this is not where i want to be in life for once i just want to be happy and im sick of feeling like i dont want to deal with anyone anymore and im sick of always wanting to just hang up the phone on someone when im talking to them and not answer it when they call back i just want to go away and start life over or something i wonder if thats how gf jacquie feels cause she always says that

dinner time....
Current Mood: aggravatedundefineable
Current Music: fall to pieces ~avril lavigne

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May 20th, 2005

12:00 pm - just not good enough
i didnt do good enough to get into med school...........
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: drugs or jesus ~timmy

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May 18th, 2005

03:16 pm - damn you people for making me copy!!
now i have to add to the list becuase gf jacquie just had to add things...... this is getting rediculous

THIRTEEN random memories:

13. tommy hanging me from his bunkbed by my underwear
12. maureen walking into the room oddly because she only "half pooped"
11. katie and i talking about biker dudes and how if we had kids with them they would come out wearing leather and having tattoos
10. when jackie could only say "ruch mather" instead of much rather
9. the night that katies shelf fell off the wall at 5 in the morning scaring the crap out of us
8. katie pretending to give the knight in cinderellas castle a bloe job
7. when gf jacquie farted for the first time in front of me at her house lol thats a good one
6. when jackie and pitcher scared kerry and i at the park because they were hiding
5. seeing the yankees play for the first time at yankee stadium
4. playing with the supersoakers outside with dad tommy and jackie
3. staying up until 4 in the morning watching nsync with kerry
2. movie night every night with kerry...cause is there anyhting else to do?
1. dawsons nights!!

TWELVE words that describe me:

12. serious
11. goofy
10. spoiled
9. shy
8. smart
7. dependable
6. odd
5. curious
4. moody
3. dorky
2. careful
1. nice

ELEVEN things you may not know about me:

11. i am a jeans and tshirt kinda gal
10. i think i have a small case of ocd and add
9. my sarcasm is just a defense
8. i really do want to get married someday...im just scared im never actually going to find someone or rather they may not find me...but i really dont want to have kids
7. im not as confident as some people say i appear to be
6. i get really bad cramps when i have my period
5. im afriad of being disappointed in myself
4. i have been to all 4 nsync concerts here, i own all their cds including imports, have countless tapes of them and will never ever feel embarassed about it
3. im afraid of being alone for the rest of my life and losing all of my friends
2. i dont like it when people use my things or borrow my clothes WITHOUT ASKING
1. i want to live in nyc FOREVER!
Current Mood: dorkydorky
Current Music: nsync

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02:56 pm

Put an x to the things you’ve done

( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex ... altho people have tried to get me to!!

( ) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight

( ) been or gotten someone pregnant
( ) snuck out of my parent's house

(X) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back...story of my life??
( ) been arrested
(X ) made out with a stranger ... haha 5 in one night...me and katie!!!!

( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher ...

(X) Skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a crush on one of your myspace friends
(X) been to Canada ... i only live right next to it..... 
( ) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
(X) thrown up in a bar ... haha good times 
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(X) met someone in person from myspace ... does knowing people count?

( ) been hxc dancing at a show
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now ...

(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by ... very calming

(X) made a snow angel
(X) had a tea party
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle..wasnt a very good one
(X ) gone puddle jumping...soooo much fun
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) Gone sledding
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) Been lonely ... seems to be the theme of life lately
(X) fallen asleep at work/school ... i have ms bowen to thank for that
(X) used a fake id ... does chalked count? 
(X) watched the sun set ...

( ) felt an earthquake
( ) touched a snake
(X) Slept beneath the stars ... only when i was camping
(X) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer/goat
( ) won a contest
(X) run a red light ... 
( ) been suspended from school
(X) been in a car accident
( ) Had braces ...

(X) Felt like an outcast
(X ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night ... those are the best nights ever!!

(X) had déjà vu
(X) danced in the moonlight
(X) hated the way you look
( ) Witnessed a crime
(X ) Pole danced....soo many of these are with katie hmmmm...
(X) questioned your heart
(X) been obsessed with post-it notes ... makes me feel more organized

(X ) squished barefoot through the mud....soo fun
(X) been lost
( ) Been to the opposite side of the country
(X) swam in the ocean...one of my favorite things to do
(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
(X) played cops and robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(X) sung karaoke ... that is the best!!!!
(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) made prank phone calls ... way too fun!!
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) danced in the rain ... :)
(X) written a letter to Santa Claus ... 
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe ...

( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about ... (X) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(X) crashed a party
(X) gone rollerskating ...

( ) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) Screamed penis in class ... 
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them ...

( ) kissed a mirror
(X) sang in the shower
( ) have a little black dress
(X) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something ...

( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(X) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a cheerleader ... 
(X) sat on a roof top
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(X) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(X) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house ...

(X) are scared to watch scary movies alone ...

(X) believe in ghosts...only when visitng maureen
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes...close
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say ... 
( ) Gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) Played chicken
(X) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone ...

(X) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made porn
(X) wanted to kill someone
( ) believe in Jesus
( ) caught a butterfly
(X) laughed so hard you cried
( ) tripped on acid
(X) cried so hard you laughed
(X) mooned/flashed someone ... good times!!

(X) had someone moon/flash you
( ) cheated on a test
( )been caught masturbating
( )killed an animal bigger than you
( )done coke
( X) have a Britney Spears CD..she has good music!
(X) Forgotten someone's name
(X) slept naked
( ) ever said 'nigger'
( ) driven drunk
( ) French braided someone’s hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house
( ) stolen a car ...

( ) smoked pot
( ) had your heart broken
( ) Know what 'flatulent' means
( ) had sex in public
(X ) wanted bigger penis/boobs...umm do i have boobs
( ) are a hypochondriac
(X ) are sick of feminists
(X) have a journal
(X) have a cd you are embarrassed to own ...

( ) fooled around at work
( ) hit a car and ran
(X ) are afraid to die
(X) are happy with your life ... most of the time right now???? 
(X) know someone who has done heroin or crack
( ) have done graffiti
( ) stolen from a friend
(X) Been caught singing by the person in the car next to you
( ) gotten naked at a strip club
(X) have a best friend ... 

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: phantom of the opera

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02:44 pm
something doesnt feel right at the moment......i have this strange feeling that i didnt do as well as i needed to do this semester this is my last semester for science classes so i needed to do really well because med schools look at your science gpa separately than your overall gpa and im not so sure i did as well as i needed for med school and im really really hoping that i am completely wrong about that because not really sure what im gonna do about if that actually happens i'll know by monday what my grades are and im going to set up an appointment with the pre-med advisor to see what she thinks damn it this really sucks

i had a dream last night that i was in nyc and i was actually living there and i was having soooo much fun and i loved it there and needless to say i really want to leave here and go to nyc maybe i should have transferred to somewhere in nyc than to UB maybe i would be a lot happier than i am right now because right now all im doing is waiting until i can go there and finally begin life or something like that

plus on top of that im sick of my mother making me feel guilty for not being home all the time when i am always home during the semester because i have so much studying to do and all that crap and its really upsetting me because im young and i shouldnt be home all the time tommy never was and she could have cared less about that and it always makes me feel torn whenever she does that and so i always feel bad about not being home and it just sucks and i highly doubt ill be spending much time here over the summer and its just gonna suck for three months

and i have this feeling that going to nyc in july somehow is not going to work out i dont know why i have the feeling but i do but i dont really care who goes and who doesnt becausee i am going no matter what and i dont care if its sad i will go by myself i just want to be there and get away from here for once

and plus im starting to wonder about studying abroad and stuff because if i want to take the mcats next april then i cant go until fall semester of my senior year which wouldnt be all that bad because i wouldnt have many credits left for my major and i was thinking summer but that would mean med school interviews so i cant do that but maybe i wont have a chance of getting into med school so that should take care of that i guess but i really want to travel around europe and stuff when im there i think i just want things too fast or something like that i dunno
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: gangstas paradise ~coolio

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May 16th, 2005

11:02 pm - one flew over the cucoos nest....
friday was my birthday i am officially no longer a teenager which sucks and im still not legal which sucks even more but it was still a good birthday...kerry and i went shopping and then we all went to brennans which was a good time..i got a free necklace lol and then kerry and i went ot timmy hos and got a snack pack and watched the astonauts wife...then on saturday people came over for some extra chcolate cake which was yummy!! and i got some clothes and money and what not but i was disappointed that maureen couldnt come because i feel like i havent seen her in forever which is actually true and it bothers me i think we have definitly grown apart this semester and it was sad that jackie wasnt here either.....

so i was going to get to go to nyc for free!!! george, fam friend of the lynchs, was going there for work and me kerry and mrs lynch would only have to pay for our air fair (which mom was going to pay for for my bday) and the hotel and food was all paid for but stupid people inc has me training so i cannot go and im so mad because its my fav place in the entire world and i got really excited and its my damn city!!!!! i wanna go sooooooooo bad and now i dont want to wait until july for me kerry and jacks to go by ourselves vecause i wanna go now!!! actually i want to live there now and get the hell away from home....i feel like when i move there my life will actually begin and i wont be stuck here anymore going to UB and living at home and i can actually be independent because nyc forces you to be and i just want to be free and start all over again and i cannot wait for the next two years to be over so that i can go there..except of course i want to go study abroad and what not during those two years and i was thinking that even if med school doesnt happen i still want to go to nyc for grad school becuase theres so much more opporotunity there for psychology and basically everything and its just where i want to be

im feeling restless like i want life to begin or something and im feeling like im so close to getting what i want but its not there yet and i dunno i cant describe what im feeling..i dont think its necessarily a good thing that i want what i want and i want it now sometimes i wish i was one of those people that took the long way to get where they were going and preferred to take the long way cause its more fun i wish i could describe what i am feeling
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: silence

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May 11th, 2005

04:03 pm - being a copycat!
im copying maureen again cause it seemed....something i dunno

TEN random things about me:

10. I have never gotten a speeding ticket
9. I use mens razors instead of womens.....much closer/smoother shave
8. I used to love wrestling and Stone Cold Steve Austin (i would walk around saying all of his sayins and what not)
7. My favorite place to go on vacation is the ocean
6. I used to have a major major crush on jtt, devin sawa and jonathan brandis
5. I spent much of my life trying to disprove the fact that I have curly hair and swore to never wear it curly ever in my life (as u can see that worked out well)
4. my favorite type of shoes are sneakers and flip flops...none of the fancy stuff
3. tommy, jackie, my father and i used to play with supersoakers outside when we were younger and my dad would shut off the water so we couldnt get any
2. i am insecure and scared
1. i am in no way shape or form domesticated...really in any way

NINE ways to win my heart:

9. have your own opinions and dont get upset when i try to disprove them
8. apprecite my love of orli, brad, johnny and derek and be ok with the fact that i will leave you for them
7. be sarcastic but not too mean....be just right
6. make me laugh and smile by doing little stupid things
5. have a nice mouth/lips
4. wear boot cut jeans..
3. be nice, caring, and like being around me but dont be too clingy
2. be able to deal with my many different moods and understand that they dont have to do anything with you just me...most of the time
1. like me for who i am

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

8. study abroad in london and travel europe while i am there
7. live in nyc
6. own yankees season tickets
5. go skydiving
4. take a road trip with my friends
3. stay close to my brother and sister
2. become a medical examiner
1. be happy with my life and have no regrets

SEVEN places I want to visit:

7. california
6. italy
5. london
4. hawaii
3. australia
2. ireland
1. paris

SIX things I don't like:

6. people who are fake
5. when i go upstairs to get something and i cant remember what it was
4. when people are disappointed in me
3. failure
2. being sad/lonely
1. FEET!!!

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. failure
4. being a disappointment to my friends and fam
3. being alone for the rest of my life
2. not making it in nyc
1. losing the people i love most

FOUR of my favorite items in my bedroom:

4. posters on the walls
3. my tv
2. my bed
1. pictures of my friends

THREE things I do everyday:

3. go to the gym
2. eat
1. sleep

TWO things I am trying not to do right now:

2. go to the bathroom...i have to finish this!!
1. sleep

ONE person I love:

1. gee i guess i cant pick just one person
Current Mood: bouncyfree
Current Music: phantom of the opera

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